Tools Defined

[txtom]

For those out there who are not sure of the proper use or function of some tools, here is a little tutorial.

Hope it helps!

 

Tools defined

 

1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat

metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and

flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly

painted part you were drying.

 

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under

the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and

hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say "SH**!!!"

 

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes

until you die of old age.

 

4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.

 

5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,

and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your

future becomes.

 

6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is

available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the

palm of your hand.

 

7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable

objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a

wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

 

8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and

motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2

socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

 

9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after

you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly

under the bumper.

 

10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobile

upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

 

11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas fir.

 

12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another

hydraulic floor jack.

 

13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for

spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your boots.

 

14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and

is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

 

15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile

strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.

 

16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool

that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end

without the handle.

 

17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

 

18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a

drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which

is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health

benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about

the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during say, the

first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its

name is somewhat misleading.

 

19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style

paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as

the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.

 

20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning

power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that

travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last

tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.

 

21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or

bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

 

23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now-a-days is

used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the

object we are trying to hit.

 

24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of

cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on

boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, and plastic parts.

[Budman]

#5 above ........... Hacksaw

 

Now there's a contradiction in terms. Ever try hacking through anything with one of those?

[ratdaddy]

And don't forget the ever popular Duct Tape for the times you are using #'S 1,2,and 5 on occasion and especially # 24

[Truck99]

Very well done Tom! Anybody who has worked on a race car for more than a couple of seasons has experienced every one of them.

 

[txtom]

Chase,

 

As for #15, they make one heckuva shrub puller. I know this sounds hillbilly, but I wrap a chain around the base of those pesky things wives like to plant, like boxwoods, and a few pumps on the engine hoist will jerk those things out, roots and all, and not one use of a shovel.

 

Had a neighbor watch me do this, thinking he had something for Americas Funniest Home Videos, until he saw how easy it made it, and asked how much to borrow it!

[MadRacing19]

That's some funny stuff !!!!!

[hgparkjr]

yall dont let jeff foxworthy see this it will be common knowledge

[trimreaper]

[Budman]

Is there a "tool heaven?" Do hand tools die? When they die, do they just vaporize into the tool spirit world? How else can you explain where all your lost tools have gone over the years? I can never seem to keep a pair of needle nose plyers for more than a week before they die. So very, very sad.

[ratdaddy]

Budman,

I have often thought of that very same question and last weekend I found out.

I was helping my wife hang some pictures last Sunday and I needed to relocate 2 eyehooks, I was having a little trouble getting them screwed in when my wife said "hang one I have something that might help" she came back with a pair of pliers that I thought I had lost years ago. I asked her where she got them from and she said "my craft box". I asked her to bring the box because I might need more tools. Low and behold I found 2 pairs of needle nose 1 straight and 1 90 degrees, 3 screwdrivers, a digital level, a tape measure (with my old car # on it) and a peice of soapstone.

So to answer you're question I think it is safe to say (in my case anyway) NO.

[Budman]

Don,

 

That's a funny story that a lot of us can relate to, I'm sure. So much so, get this. As a Christmas present several years ago, I went out and got my wife her own little red tool box, and filled it with small hammer, screw drivers, plyers, cresent wrench or two, level, tape measure, wire, variety of small nails and screws, etc, etc. . Not a very "romantic" present, but turned out she loved it, and still does!

[PAPA]

Buddy

So where do you think your tools are going? If you figure it out check to see if any of mine are there. We'll string the lil varmit up.

[Budman]

The TOOL Gremlin?