Tool Definitions:

[Hartracn19]

I know we had one up here a while back, but couldn't locate it with the search feature. I think this one is slightly different, and just as funny!!

 

This is an old list, but I thought that it was worthwhile to repost.

Tool Definitions:

1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

 

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,"Ouch..."

 

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age

 

4. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

 

5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

6. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

 

8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

 

9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

 

10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

 

11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

 

12. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

 

13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.

 

14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

 

15. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

 

16. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

 

17. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

 

18. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

 

19. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

 

20. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

 

21. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

 

22. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and effortlessly rounds them off.

 

23. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

24. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

 

25. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

 

26. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

 

- Peter Egan - Road & Track magazine

[Racer26]

I like the mention of paper & tin oil cans. Shows the age of the list.

[1-Crew]

Makes you wonder how many people on this forum have never seen a paper & tin oil can.

[HiTech]

Makes you wonder how many people on this forum have never seen a paper & tin oil can.

I REMEMBER THOSE . I REMEMBER FREE WATER AND AIR .35 CENT GAS .GOING TO A PICTURE SHOW .IN YOUR CAR LOADING YOUR FRIENDS IN THE TRUNK TO SAVE A DALLOR . EATING A REAL WHATABURGER . BIG ONE.S AT THAT . AND DRINKING CHEAP BOONES FARM APPLE WINE .MAD DOG 20. 20 . AND BEATING THE HELL OUT OF MY CAR WHILE ON IT .MAD DOG THAT IS . I REMEMBER WHEN COOR.S BEER SHOWED UP .THAT WAS A BIG DEAL .I REMEMBER GETTING A SPEEDING TICKET AND ONLY PAYING $15 FINE .I REMEMBER WHEN YOU COULD WALK DOWN THE STREET AND WAVE AT ANYONE AND NOT GET SHOT OR BEAT UP JUST BECAUSE . YOU COULD LEAVE YOUR HOUSE OPEN AND YOUR CAR .WITH OUT SOMEONE TAKEING YOUR LAWN EQUIPMENT . I REMEMBER FIREWORKS AT HOME WITHOUT THE COPS GETTING YOU .POEPLE GIVEING YOU A HAND IF YOU NEEDED IT .NOW THEY JUST LOOK AT YOU .HOLDING A DOOR OPEN FOR SOMEONE AND GETTING A THANK YOU .I REMEMBER CELIA WIPING OUT CC .AND EVERYONE HELPING AND SHAREING WHAT FOOD YOU HAD WITH STRAINGERS . RESPECT AND A HAND SHAKE MEANT ALOT . CHRISTMAS NOT STARTING IN JULY .TRICK OR TREATING AROUND TOWN .NOT AT A SCHOOL OR CHURCH .A $1 BILL WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY NO COMPUTORS AND GAME BOYS . BLACK AND WHITE TV .REAL WEATHER MAN .SLINKY .SPINNING TOPS . REMOTE CONTROLED TOYS. WITH A WIRE . JETS COMEING OVER AND BUSTING THE SOUND BEARIER . THE FIRST MAN ON THE MOON . AND MOST OF ALL. MY MOM AND DAD BEING ALIVE .YEP AND I CAN REMEMBER I COULD SPELL BACK THEN .SORRY HART WE HIGHJACKED YOUR THREAD .

[Rookie49]

27. Computer- Very expensive Highly technical electronic binary system processor constructed for the purpose of allowing txsz members to make spelling errors, errors in judgement and overall moronic statements and be broadcast world wide instantaneously.

[Budman]

OT,

 

Now you're forgetin' something. Everything was not all that wonderful. Remember, at least one of those cans in every case was a leaker!

[neon14]

Lloyd, go work on your race car!

[txtom]

I like the mention of paper & tin oil cans. Shows the age of the list.

 

Boy, some of you guys are old...................................

[Budman]

Here's anothern for the "Oldtimers" on here. My wife just reminded me of this one. Remember those 6oz. bottles of coke, ice cold. You could turn on of those up on a hot summer day and only get about 3 swigs before your nose started burnin' and your eyes started waterin'. Now THAT was a good coke!

[HiTech]

THAT WAS NO LIE .I HATED IT WHEN THEY WENT TO CANS AND PLASTIC BOTTLES I USED TO SAVE THE REAL CLASS BOTTLES FOR THE THE DEPOSIT .MADE SOME SPENDING MONEY . USED TO MOW YARDS FOR $3 $3.50 FOR A EALLY BIG YARD .PULLED MY MOWER WITH MY BIKE ALL OVER CC .DO ABOULT 7 YARDS ADAY .BELIEVE IT OR NOT BUT WHEN I WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD I HAD MY OWN LAWN MOWER SHOP AT HOME . A YOUNG 12 YEAR OLD GIRL WHO WAS MADLY IN LOVE WITH MY BROTHER WHO USE TO LIVE BEHIND US WOULD BRING HER GO CART OVER THE HOUSE FOR ME TO FIX IT .SHE LATER IN LIFE BECAME A VERY WELL KNOW ACTRESS . ILL GIVE YOU A HINT . SHE WAS A BLONDE .AND THE MOST LOVED AND TALK ABOULT WOMEN BACK THEN .SHE WAS EVERY MANS DREAM .LEE MAJORS MARRIED HER .SHE WAS AN ANGEL . WITH RYAN ONEAL FOR YEARS . . REMEMBER HOT TOOTH PICS .KANOCKERS. WOODEN SKATE BOARDS . THE PET ROCK .AND IF YOU LIVED IN CORPUS .YOU COULD GET THE BEST ROOTBEER FLOAT AT PIC.S BEST TACOS WHICH ARE STILL AROUND AT SNAPKAS .

[Budman]

Yeah,

 

I remember her. She came to Austin and went to UT. Dated the quarterback of the football team. Went to Hollywood, was successful there. You remember that poster she made. It was the world's most popular one for many, many years ..................

[HiTech]

HER SISTER AND TWO VERY GREAT LOOKING GIRLS VICKY AND KARREN .USED TO COME DOWN FROM BEND OREGON DURING THE WINTER AND STAY WITH US .UNTILL IT WARMED UP . . FUNNY AFTER SHE BECAME A STAR ,MY BROTHER WOULD ASK HER SISTER TO TELL HER TO GET IN TOUCH WITH HIM .LOL THAT NEVER HAPPEND .HE NEVER SO MUCH AS LOOKED AT HER WHEN SHE WAS YOUNG .TO BAD SO SAD . JUST WONDERING IF ANYONE KNOWS HER NAME .AS FOR THE POSTER MINE BURNT UP IN A FIRE ..ANOTHER SHOW . CANNON BALL RUN . BURNING BED . CHARLIES ANGELS .

[Budman]

Here ya go OT. Enjoy!

 

(Nick will post it here for us.)

 

Heard she's been very ill of late.

[HiTech]

CANCER OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT .HER SISTER PASSED AWAY A FEW YEARS BACK .

[kn1ghtblade]

You know I am not that old but I remember the tin oil cans.... Also I still think that when coca cola was sold in the glass bottles it was the best... Also thats still when they used real sugar when making it instead of corn syrup.....

 

You know in some stores you can still get the original coke like it used to be made out of Mexico in the glass bottles and yes it does taste better than the plastic ones...... :)

 

As for the computer definition, that is great.... I liked that one.... LoL LoL :) :)

 

Here is one:

 

 

 

Spell Check:

 

A tool used in conjunction with a computer to help most people look intelligent when other wise they would just look stupid..... :)

 

disclaimer: Yes spell check was run on this post so any misspelled words please refer them to ispell plug-in for IE7.0..... LoL

[HiTech]

YEP FITS YOU TO THE [ T ]

[Rookie49]

Here ya go OT. Enjoy!

 

(Nick will post it here for us.)

 

Heard she's been very ill of late.

Damn, Now I feel old. I remember my mom and dad fighting about whether it was appropriate to have that poster. Of course he just wanted to look at it too.

[HiTech]

my brother had a few .he said what could have been .but at that time she didnt look that good .she was homie .hair and makeup works wonders dont it .now back on tools .if you had a tool like that .then nothing will get done .

[NickHolt]

CANCER OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT .HER SISTER PASSED AWAY A FEW YEARS BACK .

 

According to this news story published on MSNBC http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16946884/, Farrah Fawcett got a clean bill of health on her 60th birthday.